Heroes

I nominate for heroes - true saints - anyone who has turned their life, their dreams, their gifts, their time, their marriage, their relationships, their hobbies, their desires over, abandoned them so that they can care for another person.

For the first time in months I accidentally spied this blog's traffic. It's down a ton, and that's because I'm not writing anything.

There are two reasons: if I write something, that means someone can use it against me. "I thought you said in your blog Ethan had fever," said one reader. "Why don't you just write about this in your blog," sneered another about a year ago.

The other reason is that I'm spent. I'm working and working and working. My work is fighting for survival in a tough economy, and I receive a lot of pressure to succeed, to bill lots of time, to acquire new business. So I do. I left work last night at 8:30 pm and left for work at 5:20 am. My reward for working that hard is that I get to keep my job.

But when I got home last night after stopping at the drugstore for medicine for my poor Aidan who's sick, my sainted wife was exhausted from her long day of holding serve with 8 children, one of whom is a special needs kid which by herself is a 24/7 job. A special needs kid who has an undetermined future, an undetermined group of future needs. Who may or may not talk. Or sign. Or walk. Or live.

The others - the older three, for example - have needs. Kellen has both of his toes worked on and needs a permanent solution applied there somewhere during the hoops season. Isabel just had three teeth removed and next week her final stages of braces. Eventually, she'll need another four teeth removed. Teia wants to get to Green Bay to meet with cousins. Those are typical, average, everyday needs.

And it means that when Jen is concerned about how she's in day 3 of a headache that includes her neck and back, she knows she can't afford a co-pay, not this year. Maybe January. For now, the co-pays go for Kellen's feet, Izzi's teeth, and to the urgent care for little Aidan, who had 103 fever last night.

1:30 Jen begged for three hours of sleep. I tried. At hour 2.5 I had drifted off, and Zoe threw up all over the bed, herself. Everybody up, everybody out. Clean off the bed, lay something on it. I'm looking anxiously at the clock knowing I have to be up at 5.

3:30 Jen's up and angry, emotional. She left the baby wipes in the car and has to go out in the 20 degree weather for them. She's slamming things and flops on the bed and I stir. I'll be up in 1.5 hours.

5:00 Zoe is still up. She's crying. Not sure why, maybe because it's the end of her nocturnal day. Maybe something else. She can't communicate like any other 19 month old so we wonder if she's hungry? Empty stomach from evacuating it hours before? Are we even awake and rational enough to decide?

7:00 I'm here at work and have been for an hour. I have three projects due today. Tonight will be no different, except Jen works, then comes home. This will never end. We hope it doesn't, because if it does, then something happened to Zoe.

We are nothing special. We're just burned out and tired and there's honestly no hope. Date night? Why? We're so tired and broke. We are poorer than we ever have been. I work so many hours I can't take on another job. I will not get a bonus from an employer that's struggling to stay afloat.

And I know I'm not the only parent or child like this. There are so many heroes out there. I wish I could hug you all. Jen and I both wish and hope we'll win a lottery so we can help you all. Your sacrifice, heroes, goes unnoticed, I think, even by yourself. I pray for you. Pray for your strength. A glimmer of hope somewhere, somehow. Maybe some sleep.

Song of Hope

Our whole family had a wonderful time at the concert last night. Robbie was warm and wonderful to everyone. We received some huge, warm hugs from him and he mentioned what we noticed...that when he saw Zoe during the show, he was really moved.

Zoe slept through Caleb and Will Franklin Chapman, and Bethany Dillon. Robbie was last, loudest, and had the most lights, so she woke to a wonderworld of lights and sound. And didn't make a peep. Maybe she recognized the music.

I have a wonderful video of Bethany singing my absolutely favorite Bethany song. I do not have a similar video of Robbie because I was crying during that song.

Bethany Dillon=amazing. Just brilliant. Video to follow.

Will and Caleb Chapman=real deal. Impressive. Really mature sound.

So excited. Robbie Seay concert! Gave him a hug this morning. Both of Steven Curtis Chapman's sons are here, too.

Noodles

The water is raging boiling and I pour a couple of cups of rotini into the bowl. Seven minutes it will be perfect, maybe with a touch of oil. It wasn't until I stirred the pot with my fork in a way I've heard before - hundreds of times. I'm eating my dad's meal.

I'm instantly proud. And longing to call him and tell him that maybe I'm a little like him. I did learn something. First thing tomorrow.

Crystal Clear

Zoe visited the doc today and a chest x-ray showed her lungs clearer than in August. Now we can all take a sigh of relief.

Jen and I are just worried about how quickly the flu can overtake s little one like Z. It makes for sleepless nights and tension...Jen was worried that Z was receiving the correct amount of meds. You wear it all inside and it wears you.

Ding! Sparkly x-rays tend to get you out of the funk.

FLU

Two weeks ago, I stood in 40 degree temperatures with hundreds - by my estimation, over a thousand people - waiting for an H1N1 flu shot. It's that important to our house, to Zoe. Selah, too is considered high risk.

The flu came anyway. Ethan, now Aidan. Izzi was coughing and ill. Zoe had fever on Friday but the doctors told us her respiratory sounded clear. It didn't this morning.

It's a helpless feeling. We've dropped lots of money on the hand gel and lots of the air/surface disinfectant. We quarantined the sick kids to rooms far from the general living area. We're pretty sure that exposure is happening outside our homes - maybe even at the site of the flu shots.

Add that to the list of things - money and health lead the list - of things I'm helpless to correct or heal in my house. It's easy to lose hope.

Robbie's BAAACK!

Robbie Seay is going to be playing in the area on November 8 free for nothin'. I'm so excited to see him again and he's performing with Bethany Dillon, who is really fun, too.

Please join us out there if you can.

Robbie'd love to see you, too.

"come out..bring friends..help us spread the word..and of course BRING ZOE!!!!! would be a thrill to see friends
blessings
robbie"

Another Round

Bat's fighting hard. Weight gain has dropped off and he's struggling to keep food down since Sunday. Please, God, continue to give him days.

oh! happiness

Jen graciously got me tickets to see David Crowder* Band on Saturday. We drove a piece in the noisy mufflermobile but the concert was spectacular.

David Crowder, you see, is equal bits jester and genius. He's odd and profound. His concert was zackly like him.

Best of all, I was able to meet DC after the show and confirm that yes, Robbie Seay's account of him meeting Richard Simmons in the airport was true. Robbie Seay says this was the meeting of the two strangest men in the world.

How To Wake Up On Your Birthday

Hear Zoe crying. Realize she slept for almost 4 hours in a row. Go make her a bottle. Play.

Shadow of Death Part II

A friend of Jen's family, TC, an aspiring actor and artist, was shot last week in California. Please keep him in your prayers.

The Shadow of Death

Pray for Little Chloe and her dad. One of the blog readers - and St. Mipps' sister - worked with Chloe's mom.